How to Stop Pouring from an Empty Cup

In general, we spend too much of our lives exhausted and overwhelmed, running on empty. For some of us, this comes from how much of a challenge it can be to say no when we feel like people are counting on us; for others, it feels like we just can’t keep up with the pace of what’s expected of us. The toughest part is that it’s really difficult to enjoy life when we’re stuck in this cycle. When we’re running on empty, everything feels like a drag. But what if there is another way to move through life, one where you stop pouring from an empty cup?

Pause a moment and envision what that could look like, and even better, what it might feel like. What would it be like to wake up and feel energized, to eat when you’re hungry, to have something to look forward to in everyday that wasn’t crashing on the couch to watch Netflix, to rest when you’re tired? How do you imagine your life would feel different if you had energy and had more enjoyment in each day?

You might be wondering what’s wrong with that kind of life- moving through the daily grind on autopilot and managing the expectations of everyone around you. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with that for many people. It’s considered “normal” to pour from an empty cup in our modern society, but my guess is that if you’re reading this post, you’re looking for something more from your life. Just because it’s considered normal to move through the grind and live for weekends and vacations, just because it’s considered normal to live buy into all the hustle and bustle, just because it’s considered normal and even glorified to be exhausted doesn’t mean that it’s the right fit for you. And if you’re wondering or even certain that there’s got to be something more to life, then you’re right- there is.

While what you envision might feel so far away from your reality right now, the only way we ever get anywhere is by making small and simple but impactful changes over time, and let’s be honest, time is going to pass with or without your awareness, so you might as well be an active participant in designing your life. Plus, one of my great skills in this life is breaking down big, hefty concepts into manageable, digestible bites, so let’s look at six steps to stop pouring from an empty cup to help you live a more meaningful life on your terms.

1. Build insight into how you’re spending your life.

Step one before making any changes with anything is to assess the situation. It’s hard to know what to change if you don’t have a handle on what’s working and what’s not. Building insight into how you spend your time is simple in theory but can be challenging in practice. When we focus on building an awareness of something, we’re seeking to find what is hidden in plain sight in our lives.

Sometimes, it feels easy and organic to find what’s hidden in plain sight, like when you hear a song on the radio or see an ad for something and then it feels like the ad or song is just everywhere. While that can be true that there’s a quantity element to how frequently an ad shows, it’s also that you’re aware of it so you’re paying attention when you see it (this is called the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon if you’re curious!).

Other times, we need to build small rituals to help us build awareness. One way to do this is to practice recalling everything you did in the day in chronological order before bed. We also have technology to help us build awareness. Here are three apps that can help to develop awareness of how you spend your free time:

Reminders on the iPhone where you can set periodic timers to remind yourself to check in.
Use the Take a Break feature on Instagram where you’re reminded to close the app after 10, 20, or 30 minutes.
The screen time monitor on the iPhone can help to develop awareness of how we spend our free time. You might be surprised to find that you’re spending hours a day scrolling social media when you could be using that time to build the life you’ve been dreaming of.

I really like the metaphor of pouring from an empty cup because it quantifies our capacities. Our time and energy are valuable and finite resources. Step one to stop pouring from an empty cup is to figure out how you’re using your precious time. Time is the one thing we can never make more of.

2. Connect to how you’re feeling throughout the day.

Not only do you need to know how you’re spending your time, but you also need to know how you feel about the various tasks and activities you engage in throughout the day. For some people, this will be even more challenging than building awareness. And that’s because modern society has adopted this philosophy that separates us from our bodies where our feeling experiences are. The priority is productivity and for things to be fast, cheap, and easy instead of prioritizing health, well-being, and connection. Here are just a few examples of this:

We’re expected to…

Go to work when we’re sick (or lose income or bear the wrath of our colleagues for “dropping the ball”)
Focus on quantity instead of quality (The question is how many can you create/interview/sell in an hour as opposed to the quality)
Be available as an employee without clear limitations on evenings, weekends, or even vacation time
Work full-time as a mother and have the emotional capacity to parent (I’m not for or against stay-at-home mothering, AND I absolutely understand why in traditional gendered roles, women did not work outside of the home. It’s really challenging to maintain a full-time job and really be present for your children when with them- you have no time to be human or recharge. You’re juggling two full time jobs.)
Keep training and exercising when we’re hurt
Keep our kids entertained and busy through enrollment in multiple activities and sports to make them “well-rounded” instead of letting them follow their interests at their own pace
Eat unhealthy, processed foods that don’t provide us with the energy and vitality we need to live the life we want to

At the most basic level, the biggest problem with this mindset is that we’re not robots and we can’t keep going forever. Rest equates to laziness in American society. But in reality, rest is ESSENTIAL. We don’t even expect our machines to run forever without rest. We recharge our phones and laptops daily, we refuel or recharge our vehicles, we eventually replace appliances.

To stop pouring from an empty cup, step two is to pay attention how you feel while you’re moving through your day.

What parts of your day feel most draining?
What parts of your day feel most energizing?
How much time do you spend everyday doing things you actually don’t want to be doing?
How much time do you spend doing things you enjoy or that you feel fulfilled by?

Of course, there will always be some things we don’t enjoy or want to do in everyday- we can’t avoid those and shouldn’t, but when the scale is tipped significantly more to you spending your days meeting everyone else’s needs and desires but your own, how could you not feel like you’re pouring from an empty cup?

3. Explore what got you here and what keeps you going.

“All men should strive to learn before they die, what they are running from, and to, and why.”
_{-James Thurber}

Once you’ve built an awareness of how you spend you time and how you feel about that, it’s time to figure out what your motivations are. To stop pouring from an empty cup, we’ve got to ask this question: What drives you?

We’re all motivated by something or many somethings to move through life the way we do. Our experiences wire our internal beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world, and those are driving factors, too. If you have a core belief that you’re not good enough, then your motivation might be to prove yourself. If you have a core belief that you’re most valuable based on what you do, not who you are, you’re going to spend your energy trying to maximize your productivity. If you have a core belief that your needs aren’t important, then you’re going to feel empty because you’re not caring for yourself.

Spend some time journaling about what beliefs about yourself, others, and the world led you to pouring from an empty cup, and what beliefs motivate you. Go deeper than something like, “taking care of my kids.” Lean into the how, not just the what. If you dig under that example, you might find that you believe you’ve got to put everyone else’s needs before yours or that you feel like you’ll never be a good enough parent. Listen, there’s a reason your batteries feel drained, and it’s just not because you value taking care of your kids- it’s your belief system impacting how you take care of your kids.

4. Create a new why.

It can be pretty easy to say you want things to be different in your life and to pinpoint what you’d like to change. It’s a lot harder to make that change, but one way we can support change is to know our why. Knowing the why behind something gives it meaning and value. We can root into why much more than what. So, before we go about figuring out exactly what to change and how to do it to stop pouring from an empty cup, you’ve got to know your why. Finishing these sentence can help you generate a new why:

I want to feel…
My most important value is…
I want more _______ in my life.
I feel most alive/energized fulfilled when I spend time (doing) _________.

If you’re here, your overall goal is probably to create more meaning in your life, so you might want to live more intentionally, more slowly, to do things that make your soul light up and help you feel most present in this moment. But maybe you simply want your voice and ideas to feel like they matter in your home or at your work, maybe you want more time to rest, maybe you want to feel more energized. Figure out what can drive you to create change so we can start filling up your cup more.

5. Figure out what will fill your cup and make a game plan.

Once you’re grounded in your new why, the next step to stop pouring from an empty cup is acknowledge that you are human and have limited time and energy. There are things you are going to have to let go of to make more space for the things that fill your cup- the things you feel energized by. Here’s a heads up- it’s likely going to feel uncomfortable and part of you is going to fight the change. That’s normal and natural, and definitely not a sign that it’s the “wrong thing.” Lean into the discomfort. We’re not only working to create a new habit, but to shift your beliefs under that habit that got you here. We are creatures of habit, so anytime we make a change, expect discomfort and rebellion internally.

Knowing that, we’ve got to get creative about how we do this. If getting more sleep will fill your cup, what can you do to entice yourself to go to bed on time, or convince your husband or partner to alternate nights with you in caring for the kids? If eating more real food will fill your cup, when can you make time to batch cook so you’ve got healthy options on hand? If spending more time at home and less time in activities will fill your cup, how will you navigate that transition with peers and how will you soothe yourself when you just want to fill that time instead of use it to work on your projects or recharge?

Pick just ONE thing to get started. Others will follow in time, but set yourself up for success and pick just one small thing to start filling your cup.

The most challenging part about pouring from an empty cup is that we often think it will lead to what we’re seeking: belonging, love, acknowledgement, acceptance, achievement, respect. All of those things come internally, though. We won’t find enough of them in the world until we find it in ourselves. On top of that, you can’t give what you don’t have. If your cup is empty, there’s nothing left to give. It’s not possible to be the mother, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, or worker you want to be when you’re splitting droplets of yourself just to get by. Take care of yourself first so you have something to give.

6. Make time to intentionally recharge without guilt.

For all the overachievers out there, this will be a challenge. When we internalize the belief that our value as a person comes from our achievements, we’re going to chronically pour from an empty cup, always working for the next achievement and acknowledgement that lasts mere moments before we set off to accomplish the next task. It’s a hamster wheel that you just can’t get off of. There is no time for rest and recharge, so then you find yourself stuck on the couch watching tv or scrolling social media and unable to go focus on your work, or your projects stay ideas and never make their way into the world.

Your time and ideas are far too valuable to be spent that way. The world needs you and needs your ideas. And in order to be yourself and share your ideas, you need your cup filled, which requires you to learn how to rest and recharge. That doesn’t just mean crash into bed at night, exhausted and spent, or fall asleep in front of the tv. Here are some ideas to recharge:

Seek balance: Build in time each day to zone out and scroll social media or watch tv and time to work
Learn to meditate
Be present when doing simple tasks- focus on your sensory experience washing dishes or folding laundry
Exercise
Spend time in nature
Prioritize sleep and sleep hygiene
Find a new job that fits the life you dream of better
Move to a new city that embodies your values
Turn off the news and listen to calming music
Take up a hobby and feel free to get others involved with you
Take a bath without your phone in the room
Do one thing you enjoy everyday, even for just a few minutes. Any amount of time you spend doing things that fill your cup counts.

Alright, I saved the real challenge for last: Do these things without guilting yourself. No list-making about the things you need to do next or should be doing right now, no telling yourself you’re lazy and need to find motivation, no criticizing yourself for resting. When we guilt ourselves, our rest isn’t productive. In fact, I wouldn’t even classify it as rest. Just like you built awareness of how you spend your time earlier, build awareness of your thoughts and learn to let thoughts of guilt pass without getting attached to them. It’s like watching a cloud in the sky pass by- you don’t chase after it or try to identify it or predict what it’s going to do next or let it alter how you feel about yourself- your just watch it pass. Let guilt pass.

To stop pouring from an empty cup, remember that this is a process. We’re not interested in perfection, you’re not being graded, and society probably won’t celebrate you having a fuller cup. Instead, our focus is on improving the quality of your life so you can live more meaningfully and share more of yourself with the world.