5 Tips for Making an Important Decision

We are frequently invited to make decisions throughout our days, most of them mundane but impactful, and sometimes, we find ourselves in the process of making an important decision- one that we can see has big ramifications for our life. Many of the mundane decisions can be made with ease while functioning on autopilot: we can put the dishes away, drive to work, and order our usual coffee (or tea!) without much intentional thought. We don’t have the same luxury when it comes to big decisions, however. Important decisions invite us to think critically, weigh our options, and make a choice intentionally.

Living a meaningful life opens us up to the possibility that everything has meaning, which can lead to a rich and empowering life. It can also lead to moments of feeling overwhelmed, especially when at a crossroads or offered multiple opportunities at the same time. We can get stuck feeling like we have to make the “right” choice, knowing just how much everything matters. This can be paralyzing, leaving us frozen and choosing nothing, and ultimately missing out on what life has to offer us.

While I don’t believe there’s a wrong way to make a decision and know that we can learn from our decisions even when we let one of society’s values (money, success, power, fitting in, etc.) outweigh our personal values (authenticity, peace, freedom, exploration, health, etc.), I’ve found five grounding practices to be helpful when making an important decision.

1. Separate your fantasy from reality

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
From Hamlet by William Shakespeare

Over a decade ago, someone told me that I was a “grass is greener on the other side” kind of person, and at that time, it was brutally true. The things I wanted but didn’t have always seemed so much better than my current circumstances. I was a victim of the “I’ll enjoy my life when…” mentality and it cost me many moments in the present. I thought I’d enjoy my life when I was thinner, in a long term relationship, living in another country, promoted at work, in another career, and so on and so forth in an endless list of things that I was certain were simply better.

The problem with this mindset is that it is endless. There is never a point where one can enjoy life, because much like chores, the list never ends. There will always be more. When we are fixated on not being enough, we will constantly seek out experiences and circumstances that reinforce that very idea that we are not enough, and it can cloud our judgement, leading us to fall into the trap of believing that the things we don’t have are so much better than our current lot.

To negate this, it’s helpful to examine our fantasies about the options when making an important decision. The fantasies are the things we tell ourselves to talk up an option and make it appear more desirable. While there may be truth in the fantasy, it behooves us to look at what’s grounded in reality and what are we simply envisioning as the best case scenario without holding in mind the challenges and discomforts connected to this option. Here are some things to hold in mind:

Know the difference between a fantasy and the best case scenario. In fantasy, there is no challenge or difficulty. When we hold in mind the best case scenario, we choose to work towards that while accepting potential setbacks inherent in the option we select.
Pay attention to what seems too good to be true or has only pros without cons. Most things in life are really neutral, meaning they have positive and negative qualities. It’s our perspective that leads us to judgement where we label things as good or bad. Very few things in life are all good or all bad.
Practice gratitude for the circumstances of your current life. The more aware we are of the value of what we currently have, the less likely we are to project it onto something we don’t yet have.

And now, for an example:

Option	Fantasy	Reality
After undergrad, I had the opportunity to join the military as a musician	I would have my own house all to myself and travel the world as a musician	I had to live in the barracks for awhile with a roommate and was sent to Europe just as sequestration started so most of my performances were in the food court on base

Of course, I couldn’t have predicted the reality I encountered, but had I slowed down to think through the challenges that come with joining the military and working for the government, I might’ve made a different decision. Ultimately, I learned so much about myself from my time in the military and have no regrets about the decision I made (going back to my belief that we can learn from all our decisions no matter how we make them). It certainly would’ve been less stressful and easier to accept if I had more of an idea of the realities of the military, though.

2. Reduce pressure

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
Howard Truman

Like most things, when we’re caught in it, it feels bigger and more important than it really is. When we can step outside of our thoughts and worries to reflect objectively, making an important decision feels more manageable. When I was younger, I would wait out making an important decision until it was made for me because I felt too overwhelmed to choose intentionally. While I was worried about making the “right” decision, it was not because I found so much meaning in life, but instead because I was afraid of making mistakes and had a chronic pattern of feeling powerless in my life. Certainly, things always worked out and I learned from these patterns, but it would’ve felt much more empowering and exciting to move forward with confidence and intention when making an important decision.

When we put so much pressure on ourselves to get it “right” when making an important decision, it makes the stakes too high and it can leave us paralyzed. Some of the pressure you feel might be external, too, coming from other people in your life. While it can be hard to disappoint others, sometimes we choose to disappoint ourselves over others. That’s not our job in life, though. We’re not here to fulfill the needs and expectations of others and their unlived dreams. Our job is to show up and be our most true and authentic self and to give that gift of self to the world. Here are a few ways to reduce pressure on yourself when making an important decision:

Take the black and white structure of right and wrong off the table. There is no right or wrong decision; there is only the opportunity to experience life and learn more about yourself and the world.
Accept the fact that whatever you choose can move you forward in life should you make space to reflect on it. I have learned the most from making important decisions that turned out to not be a good fit for me. Those poor fit options taught me about the importance of knowing my values and listening to my intuition. Also, if you don’t know what you want, sometimes it can be easier to figure out what you don’t want and discover what fits you by process of elimination.
Release worries about what others will think. Ultimately, you’re the one who has to live your life with your decisions. Anytime I’ve had difficulty sleeping at night over a decision I’ve made, I know I’ve made the decision for someone else over myself.

3. Focus on the next best step

If you’re the high achieving type of person, you might be preoccupied with the future, and when you’re not sure what you want your future to look like, it can really feel paralyzing when faced with making an important decision. It can lead to a place where it feels like all decisions are important. I think all decisions are meaningful, but not necessarily important.

Holding this in mind, no matter where we’re headed, we get there one step at a time, and so much often, we can’t predict the path ahead of us. Instead, our path gets illuminated step by step and can only be seen in it’s fullness by looking backwards. If you’re feeling stuck and unsure what to choose because you’re focused on the big picture, zoom in for a moment and focus on just the next best step when making an important decision. It might not be big or glamorous- the majority of our steps hardly are- and that’s okay.

If you have an idea of where you’d like to end up, break things down and figure out the next best step for you in this moment, then choose the option that most closely aligns with that.
If you’re like, “I don’t know! Both/all the options are great/terrible!” I get that- we’ve all been there at some point. The best thing to do in this instance is choose what moves you forward. Trust yourself that you can navigate life as it comes and that the universe has great things in store for you (and go read The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein).
If you don’t know where you’d like to end up, fear not and move on to tip #4!

4. Be still and listen

This has been the most difficult concept for me to learn as someone with a type A personality who grew up relying on external validation. I have spent the large majority of my life believing that what I do determines my worth instead of who I am, and when you believe that what you do determines who you are, you become a workaholic. That means all your time it devoted to doing and there is simply no time to be still and listening, and it feels dangerous and extremely uncomfortable to make that time. Adding in the external validation reliance, I believed there wasn’t any resource inside me that had the answer anyway. I believed that the answers could always and only be found outside me through the guidance of others.

Life and experience have taught me differently, though. I’ve learned that only I have the answers for me. And yes, I did learn that by making important decisions that fit others better than the fit me. Those decisions still moved me forward in life, but I’ve learned to prioritize my inner compass. Here are some practices to learn to be still and listen to your inner compass when making an important decision:

Learn to meditate. This helps us learn to experience our thoughts and feelings without reacting to them, and allows us to make more space for peace in our minds so that we can hear our souls speak. Use a free resource like Youtube or Insight Timer to get started.
Spend time in nature. Research shows this helps to relax the mind and body and when you’re relaxed, it’s going to be easier to feel your inner compass guide you.
Intentionally create downtime. This is time to unplug and do something that recharges you. This not to be filled with distractions (TV, scrolling social media, etc.). Our body, brain, and heart like routines. If you establish a regular routine for downtime, you might be surprised what comes up for you organically while recharging.
Take up journaling. There is plenty of research out there to validate how impactful journaling can be at helping us to reflect, learn about ourselves, and process emotions and experiences.
Engage in expressive arts. Sometimes our bodies can express what our minds cannot, so draw, dance, paint, sculpt your way to guidance from your inner compass.

Take note that generally speaking, just doing these things one time probably won’t lead to mind-blowing insight. That’s why these are all practices- things we do regularly and consistently to make space to explore our inner worlds. We gain insight by knowing ourselves better, and that can guide us when making an important decision. It’s just like when you meet a new person: after one conversation, you might be inspired and eager to connect again, but you’re not going to learn the depths of their heart’s desires in the first conversation.

5. Use advice to broaden your perspective only

It’s a common practice to seek the advice of others when making an important decision, and when this is used to broaden our perspectives and consider new things we hadn’t thought of before, that can be so helpful and revealing. When we rely too heavily on others to tell us what to do or for others to know what’s best for us, that’s where things can get tricky. It can also get tricky when others feel a need to tell us what to do when we don’t solicit that advice.

One of the issues with others telling us what to do is that it is invalidating and limits our relationships. Anytime someone thinks they know what’s best for us, better than we know ourselves, that sends the implicit messaging that you shouldn’t trust yourself. In reality, this is the other person projecting their lack of trust in themselves on to you, or seeking control when the feel powerless- it really has nothing to do with you. Zooming out a bit, it negatively impacts our relationship with this person and can set up a dynamic where we overly rely on them to know what to do in a co-dependency sort of situation, and/or it can generate resentment from us because it feels devaluing- we walk away feeling less than.

It’s true that we need to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes to understand their perspective, especially when they’re faced with making an important decision, but empathy and telling someone what to do are two different things. Empathy is a tool we use to connect with others by understanding them. Telling someone what to do includes elements of judgement that can be unhelpful. Of course, there are times where we want and need to be told what to do- absolutely! But we can decide when that’s what we’re in need of as opposed to when we need someone to listen, understand, and explore with us.

So, when making an important decision, seek out information and ideas from others with the intention of using this to weigh your options. Tell others upfront that you’re looking for ideas to broaden your perspective and not interested in advice, or let them know that their thoughts are important to you, just as honoring yourself is important to you. It’s okay to set boundaries and let others know your expectations upfront.

If you are someone who relies on others to make decisions for you when faced with making an important decision (been there, done that!), find your courage and take a leap, no matter how small. Or do something everyone says you can’t. The way to build trust in yourself is by doing it. It might feel awful and awkward, it will definitely feel uncomfortable, but that’s the only way. The more you get to know yourself and trust yourself, the less you’ll find that you seek advice.

Bonus tip: 6. Release Fear of Regret

Hunger, shame, and regret at the top three most difficult experiences for me to tolerate. Of the three, I have learned the most from regret. It’s a feeling that part of me would love to wish away, and I also know its value. It’s taught me some hard lessons and revealed parts of myself that are less bright and shiny, and these are parts that need my care and acceptance because they’re inherent in all of us. The regret serves as a reminder for how I don’t want to show up and respond. There are very few things I regret, but all of them are connected to relationships where I’ve hurt others or opportunities I didn’t take out of fear.

There’s no need to fear regret. Yes, it’s uncomfortable and would probably get like a 1/10 recommendation, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not valuable. All of our uncomfortable emotions and experiences can move us forward if we can make space to listen to the messages they have to offer us. The next time you’re faced with making an important decision and you find the worry of regret hovering over your shoulder, offer it acceptance and know that it can be an invaluable teacher on this journey of life. And anyway, the things we seek to avoid often have a way of finding us.