How to Live a Meaningful Life

Like most things that are worth it, striving to live a meaningful life is no easy feat, but it’s certainly worth it and it doesn’t have to be complicated. Meaningful living gives us purpose, allows us to see and honor our value, and have impact on others. It’s the reason we get out of bed every morning and engage in mundane tasks day in and day out. It’s also the reason we feel inspired and connected, and it deepens our emotional experiences.

Part of living a meaningful life is up to each individual to figure out what calls to them. It can be anything from a job to a passion or a hobby. Zooming out and looking at the big picture, I have found that there are four principles to guide how we go about living a meaningful life that are universally applicable to nearly anyone on the search for meaning. Those principles are knowing yourself, taking good care of yourself, building and deepening relationships, and living intentionally.

Know Yourself

“Can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?”

–Charles Bukowski: A Little Book of Essential Quotes on Life, Art, and Love

When you commit to live a meaningful life, you need to know yourself really well at your core. And I don’t mean the person who you think you need to be to fit in or to follow in someone else’s footsteps. This can be one of the most difficult aspects of living a meaningful life because so many of us (myself included) have learned to rely on the expectations and experiences of others to give us direction instead of our own inner compass and intuition.

Therapy

You can’t know what you want until you know who you are. Therapy can be a really helpful tool to help you get to know yourself at a deeper level. As a therapist, I think of myself as a puzzle master and mirror holder: I help people make connections between their parts and experiences as well as gently support them in reflecting on who they are and how they got here. Of course, I can only support others in doing this sort of work because I’ve spent years in my own therapy.

Thankfully, the stigma around being in therapy is shrinking and more people are open to seeking out this valuable resource. Unfortunately, the medical model is pathologizing and focuses on what’s “wrong” with people, which perpetuates this stigma of only seeing a therapist when someone has a mental “illness.” I think of therapy differently: I see it as an essential piece of getting to know yourself and figuring out what you’re running to and running from in life. Regardless of your childhood and your experiences, therapy can bring clarity to your motivations, reveal hidden wounds that yearn to be healed, and give you space to set down the heavy baggage you’ve been carrying. Therapy is also a safe and secure place to explore possibilities and cultivate the life you want. Take the time get to know yourself, really, so you can know what you want. It’s an investment in yourself.

If you find you’re getting stuck on the idea of going to therapy means that there’s something wrong with you, I highly recommend you listen to What Happened to You by Oprah Winfrey and Dr. Bruce Perry on audio book (Oprah and Dr. Perry read the audio book version). This book will illuminate how your earliest experiences as a child wired your brain and have had a lasting impact on who you show up as in the present moment as an adult. The question we need to be asking is not “What’s wrong with us?” but “What happened to us?” to really understand how we have each developed. If you’re so on the fence about this book that you don’t want to spend money on the book, that’s okay; I’ve got you covered. Many public libraries have this available throughout the country and I promise you won’t regret it. Dr. Bruce Perry is a psychiatrist and an expert on childhood trauma. If you haven’t heard of his research yet, it just might change how you understand yourself and the people around you.

Values

Once you know yourself more deeply, it’s easier to get clear on your values. Our values are the core beliefs we have that guide how we move through the world. Values are helpful in our everyday lives, and when we are intention about living our values, they can be a guiding light when navigating challenges where it feels like there is no right, good, or clear-cut answer. When we’re not intentional about our values, we may be surprised to find that we’re guided by things we really don’t want running the show, like fear, jealousy, or fitting in.

In my world, Brene Brown is Queen of Values. She’s a social worker and researcher who explores important concepts that go to the core of being human like shame, vulnerability, courage, and empathy. She writes about values in her book, Dare to Lead, and covers them in her podcast by the same name. Step one is to simply sort out your values by figuring out what’s most important to you, and Brene has a helpful worksheet to support you in doing just that. Find a quiet space and circle the values that resonate most with you on the worksheet, then whittle down that list until you have just two values to focus on.

The other important component of Brene’s work around values is living our values- putting our values into practice. Once you’ve narrowed it down to just your top two values, listen to this podcast episode by Brene and then use this worksheet to help you get clear on how you can live out your values day in and day out. I’ve found that like most things, it helps to check in daily and remind yourself of your values. The brain is quick to learn and quick to forget (Have you ever crammed for a test and then couldn’t remember most of the information you poured over a month later?). The body, on the other hand, is slow to learn, but hardly forgets- that’s why we have the phrase- “It’s like riding a bike.” By reminding your brain on a daily basis of your values and helping your body to practice them, you ensure these values become integrated into your being.

Purpose

Once you know yourself more deeply and get clear on what’s really, truly, deeply important to you, it’s time to sort out your purpose. We all need a why, we need a reason to get up in the morning. Knowing your purpose gives you a clarity on your why and a reason to keep working, even when things are challenging or slow, and you’re feeling tired.

Sometimes your purpose is the thing that lights you up inside, like a passion or interest. Other times, it can be something that drives you toward change, like an injustice. Purpose can also come from a goal or vision. Of course, it can be a combination of these factors, too. Purpose is also what helps you to feel fulfilled at the end of the day, like your time and energy have been spent in a valuable way and that your efforts make a difference in the world somehow.  

In a lot of ways, our purpose can be connected to our work. Work is how we contribute to society, how we serve and impact others, how we hone a craft, how we pursue an interest or passion. While our job can be part of our purpose, work doesn’t necessarily equate the work we’re paid for with money. For example, parenting is work, and while we’re not paid in money, we can reap the relational benefits of parenting over our lifetime. How you parent directly impacts your relationship with your child. Even in a job, sometimes, you’ve got to create purpose when the duties and description don’t feel meaningful for you by finding little pockets of what does bring meaning and fulfillment to you. 

One of my favorite resources for gaining clarity in purpose is Live Your Legend. I’ve used their tools and resources since 2013 when most of them were free. The in-depth courses are absolutely reasonably priced now, however, and if the quality is anything like it was when it was free, you’ll definitely get your money’s worth. The creator, Scott Dinsmore, was someone I admired due to his commitment to living a meaningful life and his commitment to serving others. Unfortunately, Scott died unexpectedly, but his wife, Chelsea, took over the organization to keep growing a community of people aspiring to do meaningful work. If you want to try out their resources but you’re not ready to commit, I recommend signing up for their free Passionate Work Framework mini-course.

As someone who has been seeking purpose for the entirety of my adult life, I can tell you that this journey can appear linear for some people, but rarely ever is. You know, aside from public schooling and aging, hardly anything is linear in life. Most things are like a spiral curriculum where we come back again and again to touch the same concepts, lessons, and challenges and each time we’re a little bit different. It’s not about going forward or backward, but just being okay with wherever you are right now.

Take Good Care of Yourself

“Take care of yourself first. You can’t pour from an empty cup.”

-Unknown

Our health impacts so many aspects of our life from our attitude and energy levels to the quality of our life. Taking good care of yourself emotionally, physically, and mentally is an essential part of living a meaningful life. When you invest in your health, you give yourself the tools needed to manage stress, explore the world, and build a trusting relationship with your inner self. Every time you respond to your body, heart or mind’s needs, your inner self feels safe, seen, and soothed. Taking care of yourself helps you to know your value, too: you know you’re worthy of care. That in turn helps us care more deeply for others because we know how to care for ourselves. And, you also can’t pour from an empty cup; you have to have something to give others.

It’s hard to separate health in the categories of mind, body, and heart because they’re intricately connected. Here are some examples of ways to take care of yourself and the benefits they bring to your whole being:

Meditate

Engaging in meditation helps us to be more present and it literally changes the brain. Meditation can be such a helpful tool for cultivating acceptance and reducing our emotional reactions so we can respond instead of react, and that can have positive impacts on our relationships. It also lowers stress, and that can lead to reductions in heart rate and blood pressure, as well as inflammation, which are body-based impacts.

Exercise

Getting exercise helps our bodies to feel more alive. It also improves the function of your cardiovascular system because it gets your heart pumping and supports an increase in oxygen in your bloodstream and muscles. The more these muscles and systems work, the stronger and more efficient they become. Exercise also impacts the brain by increasing the oxygen and blood flow to the brain, which can improve memory, focus, and energy levels.

Eat Real Food

Knowing how food impacts your body and your mind can be a huge part of taking care of yourself. Eating real food and getting the variety of nutrients you need powers your body and brain for optimal functioning by regulating blood sugar, improving hormone function, and reducing disease. What we eat also impacts our mood, energy levels, ability to focus, and overall feeling of well-being. The foods we consume can also contribute to reducing or increasing inflammation in the body, which contributes to mental and physical health concerns over time.

Express Your Emotions

Emotionally, accurately identifying our emotions and expressing ourselves increases our emotional intelligence and deepens our relationships. Higher emotional intelligence has been associated with more self-awareness, self-regulation and motivation, all important qualities in our professional and personal lives. Being able to understand and express emotions is also connected to increased social skills and levels of empathy, deepening our relationships.

In addition, expressing ourselves in relationships allows us to show up authentically, helping us to feel more aligned internally and reduces stress. When people are in the habit of holding in their emotions, we can see that show up physically in a tight jaw, tension in the shoulders, back pain, and other signs of stress and inflammation throughout the body. As discussed above, stress shows up in our bodies, brains, and hearts, so any time we address stress, we’re having a positive impact on our overall well-being.

Build & Deepen Relationships

“The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships . . . which are basically a reflection of your sense of decency, your ability to think of others, your generosity.”

–Esther Perel

Meaningful relationships are a biological imperative for every human being, meaning that we need to connect with other people in order to survive and thrive. It starts with birth, where we heavily rely on a caregiver to meet our needs, especially when we lack autonomy and control and crying is our primary form of expression. It’s not just that caregivers are needing to provide shelter, food, and diaper changes in the first year of life, but it’s HOW they go about providing that nurturance that wires an infant’s brain. The caregiver’s attitude and presence with the child have an impact on how safe, seen, and soothed the child feels.

As adults, we can manage most of our needs for survival on our own without relying on others. It’s more stressful to go it alone, but sure, it can be done. Whether we know it or not, though, our brains are seeking emotional safety in relationships, just like when we were infants. We all want feel safe, seen and soothed by others. And when we intentionally work to make sure our loved ones feel safe, seen, and soothed in relationships, we can connect at a deeper level.

Research has shown that the quality of our relationships has immense ramifications for our lives. Being deeply connected to others can extend life expectancy, reduce mental health concerns like anxiety and depression, strengthen the immune system, and reduce cortisol and blood pressure since the “rest and digest” mechanism (parasympathetic branch of the nervous system) can engage. Thinking about the mental health piece, call to mind the initial lockdown during Covid-19 in March 2020 in the United States. Research shows us that mental health concerns increased during the pandemic, and you could probably feel it, too. While there are many factors to hold in mind around the pandemic, like stress, fear, fighting for inequality, and divisive political stances, it would behoove us to consider the impact of how being separated from each other impacted us. We couldn’t physically connect with loved ones outside of our homes, let alone see them in person. And now we have climbing suicide rates, notable levels of increased stress, and increased substance use.

How to Build Relationships

So, all of that background and research tells you WHY relationships are important, but how in the heck do you build relationships- how do you help people feel safe, seen, and soothed?

Listen

Of course, we have to hear what others are saying so that we can respond and find things in common to talk about, but there’s a difference between listening only to figure out what you’re going to say next and really hearing another person. People will tell your their stories in how they say things- their nonverbal expressions and what words they chose to use and omit. Listen to what people say and don’t say, and let yourself process for a moment before responding to them, and if you’d like, you can explore learning more about how to improve your listening skills. By really listening to another person, we can help them feel safe in that they’re being heard.

Validate

Validation is the key to helping others feel seen, like we get it- we get them. Most people don’t share things with another person hoping to be judged and criticized. Most of the time, we’re looking for someone to understand. When we’re met with judgement and defensiveness, we often close off that part of ourselves in conversations and interactions because it’s not safe to share. And any time we feel a need to hide, we’re in shame. Shame is a felt sense that we are unworthy of love and belonging, and that moves us farther away in relationships instead of bringing us closer with others.

Listen, you do not have to agree with another person to validate their experiences. Just because they have different values, thoughts, feelings, and ideas than you does NOT make them wrong. Here’s an example: I was talking to a family member recently on the phone and they were sharing how they liked to keep things simple when hosting for the holidays. I validated that expression and understood where they were coming from, but my husband who was listening in, pointed out that I love to go all out when I host. This is true that I don’t have the same set of values and beliefs around hosting that my family member does, AND I can still understand where they’re coming from and honor it.

To validate another person, share something that let’s them know you get where they’re coming from, even if you chose to share an opposing view personally. It’s okay to be different. It’s okay to disagree.

How to Deepen Relationships

Vulnerability is the key to deepening relationships. Brene Brown’s research shows us that vulnerability is powerful and it can make or break our relationships. Watch her TED talk on vulnerability below, which is one of the top 10 most viewed TED talks in the world, to learn directly from the master.

When I think about vulnerability, I think of two components: opening up and sharing about yourself, and sitting through tough times with someone else.

Sharing About Yourself

We are hard-wired to seek belonging, but sometimes we confuse this with a desire to fit in. Unfortunately, trying to fit in causes us to move further from our core selves. When we seek belonging, we want to show up as ourselves and find our people who accept us. When we seek to fit in, we’ll go along with things that don’t align with us inside to feel like we fit in superficially. It can be so easy to go along with what others say and do to avoid going against the grain, but when we choose to do that, we choose to disappoint ourselves instead of potentially disappointing others.

Like Brene says, “The difficult thing is that vulnerability is the first thing I look for in you and the last thing I’m willing to show you. In you, it’s courage and daring. In me, it’s weakness.” But it’s not weakness, though, it just feels like it. We’ve got to open up and be real with ourselves and others to really deepen our relationships. Share your truth and you’ll find your people.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”

-Brene Brown

Sitting Through Tough Times

Another important piece of vulnerability needed to deepen relationships is sitting through difficult times with others. It’s vulnerable because it’s uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable to show up at a funeral and find some comforting words to say to a loved one who is grieving, knowing that the words will likely be imperfect. It can be uncomfortable to apologize and own the pain you’ve caused when you’ve hurt someone. It can be uncomfortable to watch someone with an illness become a shell of the person they once were and still be with them.

Look at all we do in modern society to shy away from discomfort and vulnerability. Take childbirth for example: We put mothers on their backs, give them epidurals so they can’t feel much pain, and cover up the lower body so the mess can’t be seen. Take social media as another example: People are posting about their perfectly curated lives, leaving out what they don’t want you to know or see.

Show up for the mess, the heartache, the stuff that sucks, the stuff that makes you cringe, and sit with your people. Sit through the shit if you want to deepen your relationships.

Live Intentionally

“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you ever have. Make the now the primary focus of your life.”

–Eckhart Tolle

After knowing yourself, learning to care deeply for yourself, and investing in your relationships with others, all that’s left to do is integrate these elements by slowing down and intentionally making choices that best align with you. Being intentional means knowing your options and choosing the best fit for you, moment after moment. It’s functioning less on autopilot so you can be present and respond to situations, circumstances, and people instead of reacting.

Of course, there are some things we want to be able to manage with a level of automation, like driving, washing dishes, or vacuuming, but conversations with your partner, play with your children, and walks out in nature are things to enjoy and savor. When we live too much on autopilot, we rush through life and we miss all the goodness it has to offer. We’re always looking for the next task, the next box to check, and it’s endless. All the boxes will never be checked, and nobody will be counting the number of boxes you checked at the end of life for an achievement award. When we focus on presence and intentionality instead, we can find value and depth in those precious moments we want to hold onto and preserve in our minds and hearts. That’s not something we can quantify or put on a checklist like a task. 

Learning How to Slow Down

If you well-acquainted with modern society, slowing down will be a new skill to develop. In general, the collective does not value slowing down. Instead, the emphasis is placed on the hustle, capitalism, and wanting things to be fast, cheap, easy and instant. So, big disclaimer before undertaking this work: it’s going to be uncomfortable. But there it is. That’s it. Set your expectations upfront that this will likely make you cringe and squirm and dive in.

Learn to Meditate

Meditation is really helping in learning to slow down because you get to practice being an observer of your thoughts and sensations without moving to react or respond. The thoughts and sensations never stop in mediation, and that’s not the point. The point is to find peace and stillness DESPITE the thoughts and sensations. It’s the same with life- we can’t stop the chaos and uncertainty, but we can live in peace with those aspects of life. Insight Timer is a wonderful free meditation app with an abundance of options to help you get started. I use it multiple times a day and have for over a year. Sarah Blondin and Selena Lael are two of my favorite guides who lead meditations in the app. Here’s my favorite meditation by Sarah, called Making Your Life Sacred and it’s 12 minutes long. My favorite meditation my Selena is Divine Healing Yoga Nidra, and that leads me to a recommendation if you know you struggle with meditation: start with sleep meditations and yoga nidra. That way, you can reap the benefits and reduce the expectations that you be still, focus, and consciously sit with yourself for an extended period of time.

Learn to Be Present

When we’re operating on autopilot, we’re not thinking about what we doing in the moment. Our brains and bodies are disconnected. We’re washing the dishes but thinking of how we need to pack for our upcoming trip. We’re taking a shower and washing out bodies but rehashing a conversation from earlier in the day in our minds. Being present syncs our bodies and minds, and it’s really simple in theory, but can be tough in practice since we’ve wired our brains to function on autopilot, and the neurons that fire together wire together (basically, we get really good at what we do over and over).

The theory of being present is to tune your brain in to what your body is doing, even when it’s boring and mundane, by using your senses. Let’s use the example of when you’re washing the dishes. Pay attention to…

• What you can feel
  • The temperature of the water on your hands
  • The squishiness of the sponge or scrubber
  • The sense of your feet on the ground
  • Your posture
  • The weight and sturdiness of the plate, cup, utensil, etc. that you’re washing
• What you can smell
  • The scent of your washing detergent (although I highly recommend avoiding fragrances products as fragrance is a known endocrine disruptor)
  • The scent of the water
  • The scent of dinner cooking
• What you can hear
  • The clanking of the dish in the sink
  • The sound of running water
  • The scrubbing of the sponge
• What you can see
  • Colors
  • Shapes
  • Sizes
  • Textures
  • Depths
• What you can taste
  • Maybe the lingering taste of dinner in your mouth
  • Maybe it’s just paying attention to where your tongue makes contact with the roof of your mouth

To learn to be present, it can be helpful to set reminders for yourself to check in and practice experiencing the present moment. Two ways that have been helpful for me are setting timers on my phone about every 2 hours throughout the day to pause for a moment, and to place sticky notes reminding me to pause and be in the moment in places I frequent, like on the bathroom mirror, above the kitchen sink, and on my lamp at my desk.

Practice Gratitude

Gratitude can be more accessible for some people than meditation and being present since it’s more mainstream, and it’s also just as simple in theory as meditation or being present. Simply start the sentence in your mind or on paper of “I am thankful for…” or “I am grateful for…” and name the things that fit that billet for you. I do this every morning first thing upon waking, starting with each of my family members and eventually ending with being thankful for the parts of myself. I’ve found that this helps me start my days on a lighter and brighter note and I feel different when I forget, or am too rushed, to do it. There’s nothing fancy or difficult about it, really- you just have to do it. Even if you just name one thing you’re grateful for, that counts.

Practicing gratitude regularly has been shown to change the brain, which makes sense since we know what fires together wires together. Having a consistent gratitude practice allows us to practice and build skills in looking for the positives in our life. This will shift our brains into rest and digest (parasympathetic branch of the nervous system again, meaning we’re out of fight or flight), which means we can feel reduced levels of stress and an increase in resilience over time. Research also shows that it can increase happiness, decrease suicidal thoughts, and improve our physical health (more of those lower blood pressure and cortisol results we see from most activities that decrease stress and inflammation in the body).

I wonder if practicing gratitude first thing in the morning sets our brain to look for the good in our life throughout the day. Maybe on the other hand, if we wake up with dread, resentment, and anger as our first few thoughts and feelings, perhaps our day will be filtered through that lens.

If you’d like a guide for practicing gratitude, fear not. Invest in The Five Minute Journal. It’s a journal that helps you develop a daily gratitude practice by journaling first thing in the morning and last thing at night. In the morning, you write about three things you’re thankful for and then in the evening, you briefly reflect on your day. In total, you spend five minutes per day journaling in this capacity. I personally LOVE this journal and it supported me through a really dark time in my life- the most difficult year of my adult life so far. After just two weeks of using it, I felt more resilient and had more hope that I was going to get through what felt like an insurmountable and life-altering challenge.

How are you living a meaningful life?

Leave a comment to share how you’re aspiring to live a meaningful life and where you are in your journey. What has helped you? What’s been challenging? How have you cultivated resilience through those challenges?

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