The Overachiever’s Guide to Self-Care

Hey there, overachiever

I see you. You’re the one who goes above and beyond on for as many endeavors as your schedule and knowledge will allow. Maybe it’s intentional, maybe you’re an all-or-nothing kind of person, maybe it’s because you always feel behind on the inside and have such a hard time accurately evaluating your work, or maybe it’s because it’s simply the expectation in your family. It’s likely you’re successful in many facets of your life because of your high expectations, strong work ethic, and drive to do the best you possibly can.

Overachieving sure looks good to the outside world, and definitely feels good, too, when you’re getting that recognition from others. As a recovering overachiever, I know this all too well, and would love to reflect on where overachieving might come from in the future, but for now, I have a proposition for you. For just a moment, I’d like you to pause and imagine what it would be like to do something without feeling the weight of expectations or obligations.

Perhaps just the thought might send your heart and brain racing- I know it did for me for a long time. I was definitely a “just tell me what to do and I’ll do it” kind of person (and still can be sometimes!). The really amazing thing about sitting with discomfort, though, is that you can come out the other side of it. The only way out of a feeling is through it. If you can, sit with your discomfort for just a beat longer and see what comes. After waiting for several, several beats, I was eventually met with the first moment of peace that I can remember, and that was my first seed of self-care sprouting.

So, dear friend, I’d like to introduce to one area of your life where you don’t have to worry about expectations, goals and deadlines, obligations, shoulds, coulds, or woulds: self-care.

Defining self-care

I define self-care as the practices a person intentionally engages in to preserve their capacity to be present and their well-being. I see self-care as all the things I do to care from myself in a restorative way. I carve out time on a daily basis to care for myself and to show up for myself, just like I show up for work and show up to care from my dogs.

Sometimes, self-care and self-improvement get mixed up. I definitely believe self-improvement can come from self-care, but it’s not the goal. The goal of self-improvement is to change something about yourself, whereas the goal of self-care is to simply honor yourself wherever you are. There’s nothing you have to do to earn self-care. You are deserving of love and care just as you are.

The importance of self-care

First and foremost, self-care is important because you’re worth it. You are worthy of care. There is nothing you can do or not do that can change that. It’s kind of like how most people believe that being kind to others is a way of moving through the world. The only difference is that you offer that same kindness to yourself.

Research shows that self-care practices influence our personal and professional lives, as well as our emotional and physical health. Clinically, self-care is pretty powerful. It can reduce stress, decrease symptoms of anxiety and depression, improve our ability to concentrate, increase the levels of happiness and energy we feel, as well as improve self-esteem. Self-care practices also help us avoid burnout and deepen our relationships by cultivating self-compassion and empathy. Check out this post for more about recent self-care research.

Self-care in practice

Self-care is all about deliberately engaging in activities that make you feel brighter and lighter. It’s something you define internally. We are inundated with information constantly vying for our attention these days, trying to shift our thoughts, beliefs, needs, and wants. Honestly, I’m writing this to share information that will help you shift, but in a way that builds your awareness and serves you instead of someone else. It can feel strange to initially tune all of that out and listen or feel those little plucks on our heartstrings for when we’ve found the right fit, but they’re there. You are the expert on you- you know yourself best, and you can tune into that part of yourself to develop your self-care practice.

Here are some ideas to get started…

• Start by paying attention to the things you already do. What do you walk away from feeling refreshed and recharged? It’s quite probable that you’re already drawn to things that help you feel better; my hope is that we can bring intentionality to your self-care in a way that empowers and honors you.
• Remember that change takes time, both in terms of building awareness and adding new things to you life.
• Make it a practice to check in with yourself when you leave an activity to see how you’re feeling physically and emotionally, and how you’d rate your energy levels.
• Find a way to build self-care into your schedule bit by bit. Start small so you set yourself up for success. Creating new habits is achieved by taking several tiny baby steps overtime. When (and if) you’re like to add something new to your routine, start with just one thing at a time.

See my previous post for a deeper dive into the basic building blocks of self-care and some new self-care ideas to add to your routine.

How to overachieve at self-care

I would guess that you’re really good at organizing your schedule and doing a thousand things at once, especially when you feel like others are counting on you. I totally get it that that has worked for you for so long- it’s just a part of who you are and how you move through the world. Sometimes it’s in an effort to control everything because it can feel safer when we have control and goals and plans and everything just makes sense. Yes, yes, and yes, AND there’s so little space for feeling and for being human when we live by the rule of our planners and the clock day-in and day-out.

I lived such a rigid life for so many years without space for feelings that they would bubble up inside me and overflow like volcanoes when I couldn’t stuff them down any longer. I’d have meltdowns, basically, just like a toddler. It was so embarrassing, but it makes total sense looking back on it now. I didn’t have space to feel or be human or BREATHE because I stayed too busy for any of that. Self-care was practically non-existent in my life, and it certainly wasn’t intentional when I did do something for myself back then. I didn’t believe I was worthy of anything, let alone time to honor myself. That’s why I worked and worked and worked and worked. I worked no less than 2 and up to 5 jobs at a time because I thought I had to to prove my value. People saw value in my work ethic, certainly, but it was a never-ending cycle. Instead of taking in positive acknowledgement, I felt that I then had to work even harder just to survive.

For as long as I can remember, I always longed for someone to tell me and treat me like I was valuable. Just over a year ago, I realized that that has to come from me. I have to tell myself and treat myself like I’m valuable, so here I am, one year on the other side with a solid self-care practice that has improved my life. If my story resonates with you, then it could be helpful to look at why you don’t have space for self-care in your life, or why you work so hard.

The quickest way to overachieve at self-care is by scheduling too many things back to back so you’re rushing from one thing to another. Another way is to slip into a competitive or comparative state of mind in self-care activities. Self-care is not about box-checking, getting it done, or being better than anyone else. It’s about being fully present for yourself. All of my hard work for over a decade kept me from being present and showing up the way I wanted to in the world.

The most important thing I can share with you that I know to be true is that you get to choose. You get to choose how you care for yourself, if you care for yourself, how you show up in the world, how you move through the world- all of it. And that choosing is done in moment by moment over time when you choose to honor yourself just as you are.

How to create a self-care routine as an overachiever

I know it might feel daunting to start a self-care routine. It did for me at first because I wanted to get it right. I wanted to pick the right thing and do it and just feel better. And that never really worked for me. Anytime I got stuck on “the right thing”, I wouldn’t be able to sustain the habit I tried to cultivate, but when I approached things with curiosity, that’s when I noticed changes. I cut out gluten a decade ago and all of my friends made fun of me, but I felt better. I listened to my body and I felt better. I gave up shampoo 8 years ago and my boyfriend at the time was repulsed by the idea (he’s now my husband who also gave up shampoo, for the record), but my hair was healthier and stronger. I share this to say that there is no right thing. Just pick something and listen to how you feel, physically and emotionally.

Start with just one thing- just one little thing. Maybe it’s paying attention to your experience while you brush your teeth, or singing your favorite songs on the way to work. Maybe you take up yoga, take a look at your diet, or decide to drink 8 glasses of water a day. WHAT you do doesn’t matter so much as HOW you do it. The how is all about being present, taking in what each experience is like for you.

When you know how that one thing feels for you and you’ve made it a part of your routine, you can choose to add something else if that’s what you’re needing. Again, add just ONE thing at a time. I tried to add 3 things to my daily schedule last fall and it was a major flop. Just because research says things are good for you doesn’t mean you have to do them all everyday or ever.

Challenges to hold in mind

Self-care is not selfish. I’ve found that this can be hard to take in, especially in some cultures. You can’t pour from an empty cup; you can’t give when you are running on empty. It’s just like on an airplane where the flight attendant directs you to secure your oxygen mask in the event of an emergency before helping others.

Starting new things is tough. If you’re an overachiever, you’re likely either the type that won’t take failure as an option or the type that sticks to what they’re good at because they can’t fail. I’ve been both at different points in my life, and still come up against these rigid constructs sometimes, especially the “can’t fail” one. This is a great time for a mindset shift, and this is where I found mindfulness to be so helpful for me. Creating a mindful observer mindset was so much easier than trying to stop doing anything I’ve done my whole life, like criticizing myself or worrying. Being able to mentally step back and observe my process without reacting to it has been a life saver.

Learning a new way to evaluate your experiences. A decade ago when I made some changes around health, I knew I didn’t like how I felt and I wanted to feel differently, so I did something differently. It was really that simple for me where I just tracked how I felt and did things that helped me feel more the way I wanted to. More recently, mindfulness was where I started when I wanted to intentionally add self-care to my daily practice. No judgement, just observation and acceptance.

Finding time to care for yourself. This can be so, so tough. Oh, gosh, don’t I know it! But the more stretched thin you are, the more you NEED self-care. From what I can tell, self-care started as a buzzword in the healthcare field as an attempt to teach those who care for others how to care for themselves. It seems kind of silly to think about, but it’s common. Bottom line: you’re important and worthy of care. If it’s important, find the time.

Swimming against the current in the culture of overworking. Why does overworking earn people a badge of honor they proudly wear in America? You are more than your work, your job description, your degree or education. You are a multi-faceted human being with many parts and interests and depth. You don’t need to “work your ass off” to be valuable. Your value is inherent. Remember, you are worthy of care just as you are.

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