Exploring Self-esteem

I took the opportunity to reflect on self-esteem last week and was surprised by what I discovered, so I wanted to extend that opportunity to reflect with you. The concept of self-esteem is certainly a meaningful bit of life for me, as well as the process of slowing down to reflect and give thought to something that we’ve perhaps always just accepted at face value.

As a child of the 1980’s, I was born during the self-esteem movement where there was a sense of urgency from adults to constantly offer praise to children, even when insincere. I think some of this urgency remains ingrained in people who were born in the 1980’s as they throw around the buzzword of self-esteem when speaking of children, sending parents into a tailspin, worried about their child’s future. The implicit belief around self-esteem seems to be that it is a personality trait, meaning that it is constant and enduring, perhaps even a defining quality about a person.

Although the implication may be otherwise, the good news is that self-esteem is not permanent or fixed, which we’ve learned thanks to the miraculous world of neuroscience. My hope is for this post to help you dive into how you conceptualize your self-esteem and feel empowered to look at where you can make some shifts if that’s what you’re needing.

What is self-esteem?

Take a moment to pause and see what comes to you when you consider this question. What is self-esteem to you? How do you define it?

I spent some time reflecting on this and did some reading to come to a definition that resonated with me. I define self-esteem as the subjective sense a person has about their worth and value. The two components I think of in relation to self-esteem are self-efficacy and self-respect. Self efficacy is how effective you feel in the world about your ability to make an impact, and self-respect can be thought of as the expectations you set for yourself for how you move through the world.

How does self-esteem develop?

Our earliest sense of self develops from our interactions with our caretakers when we’re babies and toddlers. How those caretakers respond to us, both physically and emotionally, sends implicit messages to our brains about who we are and how others feel about us.

Let’s consider a few examples.

Imagine a baby who is picked up when she cries, cuddled gently and talked to in a soothing way by a parent who can be present with her. She going to learn that her needs will be met, she can trust others, and she is loved. Consequently, her self-esteem will most likely be well developed and stable. She’ll know she has the ability to make an impact on the world since her caregiver responded to her cries and she’ll feel good about knowing she’s worthy of being responded to.

A toddler who hears “No,” “Stop,” “Don’t,” from their caregiver most of the time might start to feel like a burden, like he has a negative impact on the world, like he can’t do anything right, and like his feelings or curiosity are wrong. A repetitive pattern of this kind of scenario leads to shame and underdeveloped self-esteem.

For the child whose caregiver isn’t physically, emotionally, or mentally present most of the time, they learn to dismiss their own needs, to empty out their joy, to empty out themselves in order to fit the unspoken messages they’re receiving. Neglect sends an invitation to not exist (Bonnie Badenoch, Being a Brainwise Therapist). The child will be unaware of their potential impact on the world and also feel unworthy of love and good things.

If you’re a parent, please rest assured that no parent is perfect. It’s not about being 100% anything for your child, but more about the repetitive patterning in relationships that wire our brains. Research shows that relationships are one third attunement, one third rupture, and one third repair. That leaves a lot of room for this messy art of being human.

What causes self-esteem to shift?

Of course, external factors can cause our self-esteem to shift, like losing a job or getting a promotion, but I’m most interested in the internal factors that contribute to self-esteem, and the thing that causes that to shift is interpersonal neurobiology (more about this in another post soon!). One of my most favorite topics! When I was a kid I wanted to be a brain surgeon, which I never even got close to doing, but in my work, I DO help people rewire their brains in a way that brings meaningful and lasting change. Here are a few places to start…

• What you say matters, and so does how you say it. If you’re looking to shift your own self-esteem, begin by looking at how you talk to yourself in your head all day. Are these things you’d say to a friend? If not, look at where you might have learned to say these things to yourself.
• Take a dive into what some of your core beliefs might be about yourself. How effective do you feel in your ability to make positive change on the world? What kind of expectations do you set for interacting with others?
• Pay attention to how you feel in different relationships. How comfortable are you expressing yourself? Does your body feel at ease with this person?

For all the doers out there…

There are a lot of external sources in the world that will tell you what to do, and I realize I’ve had a difficult time writing because I hate telling people what to do. I love using my creativity to offer ideas, but that’s after there’s been some deeper reflection. Here’s the thing, telling people what to do is less effective at making change than helping them shift their perspective. It’s kind of like instead of telling you what to do, I want to create a space for you to reflect more deeply, which will help you find your inner compass and KNOW what to do differently because you know yourself best. If I just tell you what to do and you go do it because you’re supposed to, or someone told you do, that doesn’t really resonate with your inner resources in a meaningful way. That said, I’d love to hear your thoughts and reflections in the comments about how you understand self-esteem and where your reflections on self-esteem have taken you.

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