How to Have Empathic Conversations

Empathy is needed now more than ever to help us feeling connected to those we love. Take a peek below at some ideas for how to connect with friends and family by deepening your conversations.

Have you ever had a tough day or just received some overwhelming news and you called a friend or family member so you don’t have to sit with it alone? Maybe you call just to get your mind off of it, or maybe you share what you’re sitting with. If you choose to share, I would guess that, at some point, you’ve been met with a response like this: “Okay, so here’s what you need to do…” or “Well, if it was me, I would…” or “Wow, that sucks. So what are your plans this weekend?” or even “Oh, come on, that’s not that bad. One time [this way worse thing happened to me].”

These responses never fail to make us feel small and insignificant, and while I’m all about the small things around here, feeling small is not one of them. In fact, this blog is about honoring the small things that allow us to feel safe and acknowledged, and one of those things is listening to understand another person’s experience.

In order to deepen your relationship with a person, you need to feel known and understood, and so does the other person. This means that empathy is essential in conversations. Sometimes people confuse empathy with sympathy, so let me take a moment to explain: Empathy is the capacity a person has to stand in another person’s shoes and take in their experience, whereas sympathy is feeling sorrow for someone’s circumstances. Check out the video below explaining empathy versus sympathy by Brené Brown for more context. Brown is a well-known researcher on vulnerability, shame, empathy, and courage.

How to Listen with Empathy

First things first: let’s talk about how to listen with empathy. Somehow, it seems our auto-programming in the listening department is set to listen to respond instead of listen to understand.¹ This means that when someone is talking to us, most of us are thinking about what we want to say back to them instead of really taking in what that person is saying. Perhaps part of this is a survival tactic where we feel like we need to speak our experience right away so we’re not left out. I’ve found that the following three steps have been helpful for me to think through how I show up in conversations:

1. Pay attention to how you receive information. Just like anytime we try to reroute our well-traveled autopilot responses, the first thing we need is awareness of what’s already happening. Start paying attention to how you process information in a conversation. What are you focusing on?
   • Are you already thinking of the next thing you want to say?
   • Are you trying to think of something helpful or an experience you have in relation to what you’re hearing?
   • Are you thinking about what you would do if it was you?
   • Are you taking in what you’re hearing and imagining what it might be like to be in the speaker’s shoes?
2. Focus on understanding the other person’s experience.
   • Suspend judgement. We are each our own worse critic. This person is sharing something with you in hopes that they can connect with you and feel understood, not be criticized.
   • Ask questions about what they’ve shared to deepen your understanding.
   • Use your social engagement system to really be present.
3. Respond with understanding. Show this person that you really, truly get it and you can be right there with them without moving to fix it. Most people don’t want their problems fixed. Most people are looking for understanding.

Here’s an example:

Your friend calls to tell you that she just found out she has to have substantial repairs done on the new home she just moved in to. Give her space to talk as much as she’d like about it, asking questions to understand what’s going on, and let her know you get it. You might say something like…

• “Oh, no, that’s so tough!”
• “I can imagine how frustrated and disappointed you must be”
• “Ugh, what a bummer! You just got settled!”
• “Ah! Sounds like homeownership has a steep learning curve!”
• “Gosh, I’m so sorry. That really stinks that you’re navigating this.”

The implicit message you want to send is “I understand your experience and I can be here with you.” When people feel validated, they will naturally shift the conversation. Once she feels like she’s been heard, she’ll likely ask what’s been up with you lately, or if you caught the new episode of whatever show you guys watch. People are also really great at asking for what they need. Maybe instead of shifting, she’ll say, “What do you think I should do?” or “Do you know any contractors that can help?”

The implicit message you want to send is “I understand your experience and I can be here with you.”

Disconnecting Responses

Being human is messy and imperfect, and at some point, we have all responded without empathy, and that’s okay. Go ahead and offer yourself some compassion for the times when you’ve responded with unsolicited advice or dismissed their experience, and commit to learning and responding differently in the future.

Why do people offer unsolicited advice? What a good question!

• Sometimes, we have a low tolerance for uncomfortable feelings, so telling others what to do shifts away from the feelings and helps to feel in control of the situation.
• We really want to feel helpful.
• It can allow us to feel like we’re contributing to the relationship and connecting with the other person if we have something useful to say.

What about changing the subject, downplaying the importance, or telling a story about themselves instead?

• This can also be avoidance of uncomfortable feelings.
• We repeat what has been modeled for us for how to respond.
• We feel inherently “less than” and believe telling our story will help us connect.

How to Respond to Disconnecting Responses

• Tell people how you want them to respond.
  • “I just want you to listen.”
  • “Thanks for your thoughts but I’m just needing to be heard right now. I’ll reach out later for advice.”
  • “I know you want to help, and the best way to do that is by just listening right now.”
• Let them know what you’re needing and how you’re feeling.
  • “I noticed the focus of our conversation shifted and I’m really needing your support on this today.”
  • “I’m feeling confused how we got to talking about this.”
  • “I think you’re trying to help by telling me this story, so thank you, but what would feel best to me right now is for you just to listen.”

The quality of our relationships impacts our well-being on so many levels from our mental and physical health to our lifespan. Empathy is an essential element in deepening relationships and improving the quality of how we connect to others. My hope is that these ideas help you to gain an awareness of how you show up in conversations already and consider making some little shifts to deepen your relationships over time.

1. If you’d like to learn more about this, I recommend reading 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey (it’s habit 5 in the book), or The Lost Art of Listening by Michael, P. Nichols, PhD.

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